Home

home

  noun, adjective, adverb,verb, homed, hom·ing.

noun

1.

a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household.

2.

the place in which one's domestic affections are centered.

3.

an institution for the homeless, sick, etc.: a nursing home.

4.

the dwelling place or retreat of an animal.

5.

the place or region where something is native or most common.

5 Years Later...

When The Husband returned home from his Iraq deployment, I didn't cry. When 3rd Platoon, Delta Company, 2nd Battalion, 7th Cavalry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 1st Cavalry Division came home, I sobbed.

PTSD: One Size Does Not Fit All

So when someone says "PTSD", what's your first vision? The news headlines: "Soldier kills family, stranger, co-worker, etc--suffered from PTSD; family says he/she was never the same after war; Suicide rates are higher in soldiers suspected of having PTSD; Domestic violence levels dramatically increase in service members--PTSD culprit" etc.

But the fly off the handle, unable to cope, hiding at home, constantly anxious, dramatically different personality, alcohol dependent, violent tendencies, road raging, constantly irritated symptoms aren't the only defining symptoms of PTSD. In fact, a service member can have PTSD without obviously suffering from most of the symptoms listed above.

For example, The Husband.

Yah, About that Thriving in Chaos bit...

I've always been relatively proud of my ability to handle pretty much anything Army threw our way. I researched all options available, prepped for the worst, hoped for the best, prayed and moved on. And Army has thrown us some humdingers over the years, so I came to realization that I thrive in chaos. When everything else seemed to be falling apart and things were super crazy, I could always find a sense of calm. I attributed it to faith that God would provide and that you know, I thrive in chaos. What other people viewed as insanity: moving from overseas in less than 10 days notice, living in a house that had to be hazmat-tented when it was demo'd a week after moving out, keeping the house going smoothly and thriving during a horrendous 15 month deployment, having to move out of another house for a week while housing dealt with a massive rodent infestation, dealing with a challenging FRG/Command Climate, surviving another horrendous (albeit in a much different way) deployment, road tripping with 3 kids for 3 summers in a row while the husband was stuck someplace else, dealing with homeownership from half way across the country, and living in an area so far from civilization that it used to qualify for Remote Duty Assignment incentive pay was my normal and the chaos of all it was no big deal.

Turns out though, I only thrive in controlled chaos. Turns out, in non-Army regulated chaos, I turn into a crazy manic who goes from being a Bejeweled-playing ostrich to a hysterically sobbing, simultaneously screaming hot mess. I thrive in environments where there a just a few options and, in the end, most decisions are completely out of my/our control. Environments where there are hundreds of options and they're all based up mine/our decisions, I fail. Complete and utter epic fail. It's not pretty. Additionally, I fail in a cyclic manner. Not in a "that time of the month" manner, but in a "Okay, I've given this to God and I'm just waiting on guidance" one minute to a gasping for air, wanting to puke, hysterical hot mess the next minute. I am a roller coaster. Not the fun kind either. The kind where you're fairly certain it's never passed a safety test and the guy who just locked you in said "Good luck, last guy who sat here fell out on that third curve and we're still picking pieces of him out of the track below..." Hmm, that might have been a bit too graphic. Oh well, you get the picture. It's not pretty.

When we first arrived in the desert, a woman at PWOC gave a speech about how in the Old Testament, God would take people out to the desert when he wanted to work on them. Well, so her speech was a lot more eloquent, but that's the gist. Anywho, I took that as a warning that those major changes that we thought might be in our future, were definitely in our future. And I thought I was prepared for those changes. I thought I was ready for whatever God threw my way. I mean after all my strongest Spiritual Gift is Faith. So I had this.

Bwhahahahaha. God's so funny.

Turns out that while I've got Faith out the yin-yang, being faithful is a completely different boat. And I'm not sure how much of it was that I had faith and how much of it was that I'd Googled all options and came to terms with all options and then gave it God, therefore not really giving it to God, but more like telling Him "okay I'm good, thanks!". But when you have a plethora of options and they all depend on decisions that you get to make, there's no amount of Googling that got me to that "okay I'm good, thanks!" point. It was just a never ending sea of options and overwhelmedness.

So yah, decisions have been made and The Husband has a job out there in the real world and I have no idea  how this is all going to work out and there are so many options that I've scored well over 150,000 points on Bejeweled today alone. But I now know that there's a significant difference between having faith and trusting God. And I'm working on it, one minor meltdown at a time.

She Won't Remember...

This week I was watching Sam-I-Am excitedly yell "helicopper! hellicopper!" as a helicopter landed pretty much in our backyard and the moment made me overwhelmingly sad. Right now, when her dad goes to "work" he drives a HMMWV (humvee), his office is in the middle of the desert (The Box), and he's training/testing fellow Soldiers to make sure they're ready for whatever Army may throw at them. He sleeps in the back of a vehicle without doors or windows, under the stars. He's found 800 different ways to eat grilled meat. He speaks several new "languages": Scorpion Team verbage, OPS Group verbage, and just general desert-isms. He wears a uniform that has been out in the sun so much it's almost white. He wears boots that are so caked in dirt that the one time it rains every time he's out in the box, the rain just beads off his boots. He comes home dirtier than I ever thought possible, until the next Rotation. He never ceases to be amazed at what the Rotational Unit (RTU) did this rotation. And she won't remember any of this.

She won't remember a time when her dad was gone fighting a war for her freedom. She won't remember a time when he wore his Dress Blues for formal events--fussing the whole time about being in a monkey suit. She won't remember the tanks and bradleys that were more normal to see than not. She won't remember being able to tell when the Rotational Unit had arrived due to the lines at Subway. She won't remember the sand storm that always rolled in as the RTU rolled out to The Box. She won't remember the piles of painted rocks left for us by those who came before. She won't remember the crappy housing that we all had, but made the best out of. She won't remember the sadness and worry that went along with Deployment Ceremonies and she won't remember the joy that oozed from everywhere at Homecoming Ceremonies. She won't remember how peaceful, sad, rejoice-full, excruciatingly painful, and hopeful Taps sounds at 11pm from the post loudspeaker. She won't remember being the only one who didn't freak out every time there was a sonic boom. She won't remember playing "beat the Flag!" our desperate attempt to get to the Commissary before they started the Flag lowering ceremony and clogged the intersection for 10 minutes.

Soon her dad will get up, put on a different outfit every day and go to work for not days at a time. Soon, her dad will start doing bedtime routine because he's able to. Soon, she won't be moving from house to house. Soon, not every dad will look just like her dad. Soon, she'll have grocery stores, Wal-Marts, Targets, and gas stations instead of Commissaries, PXs, and Shopettes. Soon, her dad won't be bringing all of his friends home via Radio. Soon, seeing a Soldier will be an out of the ordinary thing (except for family reunions...). Soon, she'll never really understand why The Star Spangled Banner and Amazing Grace by bagpipe makes her mommy sniffle sob.

But she'll always know about how lucky she was that her dad was a Soldier. She'll always be proud of him for protecting her and her country. She'll always pray for those who continue to serve their country and fight for our freedoms at whatever the costs.

We won't let her forget.

You Set the Tone

In July 2001, The Husband and I arrived at our first duty station. In Germany. He was 22, I was 20 and 7 months pregnant. We had no idea what to expect. He had attended the Overseas Brief, so we had a vague idea, but in hindsight, we had NO idea what to expect. We arrived and were met by our Sponsor, who immediately took us by the Company to do a quick meet and greet before dropping us off at hotel. It just so happened that the Commander's wife was at the office. She immediately introduced herself to me and invited me to the Wives Dinner that night in town. She picked me up, we went to dinner with 5 or 6 other wives, and it was the best welcome I never expected. There was no "oh what do your husband do?", no discussion of rank, just a bunch of women chatting and having an awesome time. It was my induction into Army Life. It set the tone of what I hoped to be for the duration of our Army Life.

The Husband and The Mushy Brain

Upon deciding to leave the Army, The Husband decided to finally go get his brain checked out. See, for the last 6 years, if The Husband hasn't written it down, he'd forget it. Turns out getting blown up a lot during dismounted patrols in Iraq makes your brain a bit more mushy than it should be. And that's what we call it at our house--Daddy has a mushy brain, not a Mild Traumatic Brain Injury, but "daddy's mushy brain", because well we're awesome like that.

Anywho, The Husband is a soon to be former Infantry Officer and Infantry Officer are not allowed to have any type of defect. Ever. So, he's been learning to live with this memory issue for the last 6 years. He did such an awesome job of it, I didn't realize to what extent he had trouble remembering things until he started telling me.

I have this 10 year old...

And sometimes I'm not too sure what to do with him. See, he's insanely naive. Well, maybe not naive, but just sheltered. Or introverted. He likes video games, but not gory ones. He's not into sports. His best friends are typically girls. He doesn't really get the whole texting craze even though he has a phone. He prefers to hang out with the adults. He loves cartoons. He doesn't have an opinion about his clothes. He doesn't have an interest in music, other than what they play at gym. He doesn't watch violent TV. He's just a simple kiddo.

He loves loves loves Legos. He loves to jump on trampoline. He sings in the shower. He builds forts. He runs around with neighborhood kiddos playing with swords. He rides a scooter and a bike. He plays at the park. He loves to be a smart ass. He does small talk with adults. He plays independently at recess (much to the concern of his teacher). He loves to help with anything, to the point of teacher's pet.

So the other day, The Husband called me while I was at the Commissary to ask me to get the girls more hair conditioner because they were out, already. When I questioned, The Husband, said it was also glopped all over the shower, as if someone had flung it all over the shower. So, after I got home, I asked Thing 2 about her conditioner usage. And she denied using the conditioner, which I believed seeing as how I wash her and Sam-I-Am's hair. So that leaves Thing 1. I spent a few minutes trying to figure out how you could possibly fling conditioner all over everywhere when you have an inch of hair. Then I had a horrible thought. What if the conditioner wasn't being used for his hair. What if it was being used in another fashion....oh my God, what if, all of a sudden, he'd turned into a 10 year old boy who wasn't as sheltered as I thought he had. Immediately, I turned to The Husband and said "yah, it's time for you to have *that* talk with him.". The Husband burst into laughter, then made some comment about needing to deploy. I frantically explained that I was not built to have this conversation and I was not having this talk with him. And The Husband continued with his laughter. But it made me realize, I was seriously never planning on having any kind "yah that's your junk, leave it be, please don't play with it, and I'd better never find you with an apple pie in my kitchen..the kitchen is a sacred place!" conversation. I spent 2 hours trying to convince The Husband that this talk was necessary and he needed to be prepared to answer all questions. The Husband kept laughing at me. He decided being calm and rational was the better approach. So when Thing 1 came in from outside, we asked him if he'd used all of the conditioner. I was ready and waiting for him to adamantly deny any use of the conditioner. I was as ready as I'd ever thought for the whole quit using conditioner to play with yourself talk. Then Thing 1 said something I wasn't anticipated.

His response to our question: "Well how else do you expect me to wash my body? I mean, sometimes when it comes out of the bottle and I put it on my arms it drips and gets all over the shower, but usually I just wash the shower off." It took me a minute to process. And then I said "so wait, you're using conditioner to wash your body?" And then my sweet boy said "well, yah" in the geez  you're a freakin idiot mom tone. I burst into laughter. Said a prayer for dodging that bullet and then explained that the bottle clearly labeled "Body Wash" is for his body and conditioner is for his hair ONLY. Thing 1 acknowledged that he was confused and then proceeded on with the rest of the night.

I spent the rest of the night thinking when he gets to needing *that* conversation, I'm just going to give him American Pie and call it a loss.

What Do I Do Now?

While The Husband is getting awesome feedback from job recruiters and whatnot, one of the things that keeps nagging me is what am I going to do now? It's almost as if I'm overwhelmed by options and I'm beginning to shut down. Ha! Army has had so much control over EVERYTHING in our life that without it, I'm just not too sure where I should be headed. I want to go back to college of course, but it'll probably wait until Sam-I-Am is in school full time, so that I don't have added childcare expenses. So, basically I've got 2 years of ummmm, what? Army wives are such a different breed, that we don't sit, we volunteer, we care for each other, we deal with all of the added stress that is military life on a daily basis. But, ummm, what do civilian wives do?

This is my *HUGE* concern. What am I going to do with my free time? Not that I'll have any free time until at least October, but hey, you know it's all about pre-emptive worrying. I thrive in chaos. What happens when the majority of my chaos fizzles away. Will new chaos replace it? What happens if it doesn't? What happens if there's no chaos? What do I do then? I'm not a volunteer at my kids school kind of person. They go to school for 6 hours a day because that is what's best for our relationship. I'm not really seeing a job in my future due to childcare dilemma. I'm not a PTA mom, I'm not a couch holder-downer, I'm not a city volunteer type person...ahhh! Who am I?

I'm a mom, wife, half-assed blogger, walking reference manual, listener, advice giver, sanity loser, sanity saver, drama free, fire putter-outer, a planner, and a whole other list of things that I can't really think of right now...

But, I'm just not sure who I am without the chaos that is Army. Army has always had a hold on our life--I couldn't go back to school because well we wouldn't ever be some place long enough to attend classes (online classes are not my thing), I couldn't find a job without education, I couldn't volunteer as much as I'd like lately because of childcare issues (some of that I blame on child/some of that I blame on availability), I had to be able to change all our vacation and/or life plans at a moment's notice. I still get cranky and whatnot about the sudden change..even when it's good--there was a huge meltdown last week when The Husband was actually able to take leave to join kiddos, me, and The Grandparents on what I'm lovingly referring to as The Road Trip from Hell. But, what happens when there isn't this chaos that is Army.

What happens when The Husband only works 60-70 hours a week AND he's home on weekends?!?! What happens when you're able to plan family vacations months in advance and then actually go on them?!?!? What do you do when you have control over your own life for the first time in 12 years?!?!

How do you become completely overwhelmed with all of the potential your life has without the chaos that is Army?

How We're Surviving Life With Earned Screen Time

Three weeks ago I realized Thing 1 and Thing 2's chore plans weren't working and I'd tried all of the 'recommended' plans. The sticker plan was an epic fail from the beginning as they would sticker their own charts when they thought their chores were done..no matter where I hid the stickers. The "I'll pay you" plan didn't work as they'd already purchased every $5 and under toy that the PX had to offer and they didn't really understand why I wasn't willing to drive 2 hours to help them spend their $5. The "they can just live in their own squalor" plan worked until something started to smell from their rooms. The "you have responsibilities and we work as a team and I'm your mom not your maid speech" method incited more questions ("what's a maid?" "but aren't moms supposed to clean up?" "what's a responsbibity?" "at school we have rules, are these like new rules?" "are we like a soccer team, because one time I was on a soccer team but I didn't like it" and so on...) and didn't work either. The "nag them until you're screaming and they're crying" plan just wasn't working as effectively as I'd hoped.  So I got desperate.

Desperate enough to make them earn their screen time. I know, I know, it's borderline insanity and I actually thought about having myself committed, but then I realized if I did have myself committed, I'd just have an even nastier mess to come home to.

So I went to Pinterest (and if you don't know what Pinterest is, let me just tell you it's like Mommy/Wife/Life crack and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone...so if you need an invite, just let me know) and searched for a cutesy chore chart idea. Found the best idea of making one on cute paper and then putting it in an empty picture frame essentially making it a dry erase board. Brilliant. I'd already done years of research in age appropriate chores and felt fairly confident in knowing what kiddos could do, couldn't do and I didn't want them doing. So, I decided to put some of the things that they had on their previous charts: make bed, brush teeth, brush hair, clean room, etc., but I also left off some and added others such as clean toilets, wipe bathroom counter tops, all those things that I despise doing. And then I sat them down for the talk.

I explained to them that we had a new system for chores. Their chore list was explained to them with little resistance and even a bit of excitement from them. I explained I was no longer going to nag them, but I might occasionally remind them of their chores. And then I dropped the bomb. "You will have no screen time during the week, unless it's required for school. Doing your chores during the week will earn you weekend screen time. If you decide not to do your chores during the week, you will not have weekend screen time." Mouths dropped, gasps were made, and their new reality was accepted. Of course there were questions "what happens if? is a leapster a screen? but we still get the movie in the car right? does the Kindle count as a screen?" The next day, we began our life without a screen.

The first week went surprisingly well. Thing 1 and Thing 2 were very good about doing their chores everyday. They played together when their chores were done. They never whined about not having a screen. It.was.amazing! I felt soooo victorious. The evenings were smoother. The house was quieter and louder all at the same time. Things were good. They earned their screen time for that weekend and all was good and right in the world.

The second week, wasn't as smooth, but it wasn't bad either. There were some gentle reminders and some days where not all of the chores got done. Some of that was due to time management, some of that was because we just didn't get to it. But there was significant attempts at getting everything done, so they earned their screen time and all was right in the world.

The third week has been an epic fail kind of week. Right now, I couldn't find Thing 2's floor if I tried. Thing 1's resorted to stuffing things under his bed. His plan of doing his "read for 30 minutes" chore at bedtime didn't work all week because he was asleep before he'd finished reading. There were major issues with doing homework with both of them. No one wiped counters. Basically, no one seemed to want to do their chores, even after being reminded of the consequences. So here we are on Saturday and they've lost out on screen time for the weekend. Which is doubly sucky for them (and who are we kidding, everyone else in the car) because we'll be driving 4 hours tomorrow. We'll see how that goes.

While I'm currently a bit frustrated with their behavior right now, I'm sticking to my guns and not giving up. I've loved how not insane our evenings have been. I loved how the tv wasn't the most important part of their evening. I loved watching them play Go Fish with Phase 10 cards and their own rules. I loved how less stressful everything was because I didn't have to pry them away from a screen. I loved how many random questions they come up with. I loved how much they went outside to play. So, yah, it's not a perfect plan, but it's the plan that's worked the longest. Ha!

**Disclaimer: I do watch tv during the day while they're at school. And I did implement this plan while The Husband was out in the field, so that I didn't have to argue with him about it. :) **

A Mixed Bag of Reactions

We have an official done with Army date of 01Nov2012. Whoo! We'll be leaving the World's Longest Cul-de-Sac around mid-July because of the 100 some odd days of leave that soon to be The Husband has yet to use. While this hasn't been an easy decision, it's a decision we put a ton of thought into. It's a decision that took me a bit to wrap my head around (i.e. Goodbye Army???), but we're there and we're good with it. So, since The Husband officially dropped his packet, we've been officially telling people that we're jumping ship. The reactions have been entertaining to say the least.

Some reactions have been "Congrats! Where do you think you guys will go? What does he want to do?", some have been "Yay, so you can move to where I am!!!", some have been "So what's he going to do for a job?", some have been "Are you sure you want to get out? Can't he just tough it out for a few more years?", some have been "Nooooooo!!!!". It's been a pretty even split between happiness for us, mild concern for us, and just flat out "what are you thinking?!?!".

The happiness reaction has been primarily from Army Family and the Unit People. The guys here understand it. Army Family gets it, while they may be a bit more "Nooooo!", they've also been incredibly supportive and they're house shopping for us where ever they are currently located. They make me smile.

People who've gotten out have questioned our sanity. "I got out and now I make minimum wage." "I got out and want back in." "It's alot harder in the real world." "What do you mean you don't already have a job lined up?" "So you're going to become a DOD contractor then?" "Are you going to be a gate guard?" "I guess being Infantry you could work as a cop?".

But my personal favorite is the family members (none of mine and we'll leave it at that) who responded with "well you know you're not going to get a job...". Seriously. There was a serious debate between The Husband and I as to if we were going to tell them at all or just send them a change of address notice, but guilt won and The Husband finally told them. And then their response was "well you aren't going to find a job...". Seriously.  I understand that comment is based on the fact that one of their older children has bounced around from job to job since he left the Army 20 years ago, so therefore why wouldn't The Husband have the same fate? Well as he not so gently reminded them he "has a college degree to begin, a degree in Business Management, top OERs, and he challenges himself to climb the ladder.". Sometimes, we just need reminded as to why we keep them all at arm's length.

I'm not going to lie, it is a little concerning that The Husband's hiring conference isn't until June and we're leaving here in July. But, I have faith that God will get us where He needs us to be when He needs us to be there. I was trying desperately to hold onto Army a while back and God kept slowly closing the doors to Army, but late last year, He shut the last one and we were ready to move on.

If The Husband had an underwater basket weaving degree, I would be more concerned that he wasn't going to get a job. If The Husband had a degree that was only meaningful to the Army, I would be concerned that we were going to take a significant cut in pay. If The Husband lacked any motivation and didn't enjoy a challenge, I would be concerned. If The Husband had become accustomed to Army's hurry up and wait, instead of making things happen when he needs them to happen, I would be concerned. The reality is The Husband has outgrown Army. The Army is a great tool to build confidence, leadership skills, team work, etc., but at some point, it becomes counterproductive and it's complete lack of efficiency begins to drive people insane. And that's the point The Husband is at. I personally think he's just fundamentally done with the Army, which is neither good nor bad, it's just a fact.

So, while he works on Post-Army Life classes through his headhunters and I make a list of places I refuse to live, we're just enjoying how big and diverse our mixed bag of reactions is becoming....

My Road To and Through ADHD

When Thing 1 didn't sit still ever, I didn't think anything about it. He was my first one. He set the standard. He was good at daycare, he was busy at home...no worries. He was a boy. Boys were supposed to move constantly, right? Boys weren't supposed to know how to clean their rooms, right? Boys were supposed to just cause chaos everywhere, right? He knew his alphabet, he could count, he could write, he was fine. He was just busy. It had always been a joke that The Husband had ADD, because he couldn't sit still without falling asleep, and while Thing 1 had The Husband's need to be busy, he was complete opposite when it came to going to sleep. No just sit and sleep for him--it was a nightly battle of the wills to get Thing 1 asleep. I didn't realize how much of a battle it was until Thing 2 came along and for the first 6 months of her life, she slept all night every night. Thing 1 never did that. But then soon enough, Thing 2 stopped doing that too. And bedtime battles were back to being our norm. Thing 2 also behaved similar to Thing 1 in the busy department, but she added a whole new level of insanity to it as well. Where Thing 1 would be busy running and sliding down the hall, Thing 2 would be busy trying climb on top of the fridge. She had no fear. So the joke became Thing 2 was way more male than Thing 1 ever thought about being. And that Chuck Norris feared Thing 2. 

It didn't seriously occur to me that Thing 1 could have an issue until he started Kindergarten (Thing 1's ADHD Story). I'd started wondering what was up shortly after The Husband deployed and we started interacting more with other families who had kiddos Thing 1's age. Whenever we'd have a play date, they would all start cleaning while Thing 1 bounced from toy to toy, not really cleaning. He would only start cleaning if you sat there and said "okay now that, and that, and that", but he never cleaned his room either, so I had always assumed it was an age thing. It wasn't until I saw other kids his age actually cleaning that it made me wonder why mine didn't clean. Then he started having trouble at school and while the other kids would be sobbing messes about their yellow days, he was all "yah, I had a yellow day...can we have a snack now?". Taking away toys, play times, etc didn't change his behavior. I started asking other mommies for advice and still no luck. 

At this point, I was so frustrated. I was frustrated with his lack of remorse about his school behavior. I was frustrated that he couldn't complete a simple task that by this time I'd seen other kids perform and knew that it was age appropriate to expect him to be able to complete tasks. I was also embarrassed to have 'that' kid...the one that was always all over the place while the other kids were sitting calmly. I knew that deployment was wearing on me and so instead of thinking that something might be off with him, I assumed something was wrong with me. I went to doctor and explained I was just tired, anxious, and frustrated all of the time. He prescribed medication and while the medication helped a bit, it wasn't nearly the help that I hoped it would have been. The Husband's homecoming didn't alleviate the frustration either. It was just another person in the house to yell at Thing 1 about how easy it is to clean up 1 thing from his room or how easy it is to sit and listen to the teacher.  

So when Thing 1's doctor said "Oh yah, he has ADHD, no doubt" it was as if a giant weight had been lifted off of me. I wasn't a bad parent. I wasn't completely failing across the board. We just had an extra hurdle in our normal lives. I never thought "oh why me?!?! why Thing 1?!?!". I was actually grateful to know that there was actually an issue instead of him choosing to not listen and misbehave. It was comforting to know there were extenuating circumstances. 

And while it was nice to have an 'excuse', I didn't ever want Thing 1 (and Thing 2 after her diagnosis--Thing 2's Journey) to use his ADHD as an excuse. It was very important to us to say to them, yes you have ADHD, but that doesn't mean you get to act like a flippin idiot. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. It means you have to work extra hard to focus and stay calm. It means we'll help you work extra hard and we'll be more understanding, but it's not a free-for-all bing-bongy fest. It was also important to me to not label them. Yes, we discuss it with his teachers, but it's up to them to talk to anyone else about it. We discuss it with teachers because during the school year, their teachers potentially spend more awake time with them during the week than we do. They need to be in the loop. I'm always surprised at how not bothered they are to talk about their ADHD too. Thing 1 discusses it with his piano teachers when he gets a new one (and we're up to our 3rd new one since arriving here) and Thing 2 is all blase about it. So, I take my cues from them. If they're not worried and their teachers aren't worried, then I'm not worried. 

I don't spend a lot of time googling all of the options we have for treatment, because our option is working. I don't spend a lot of time googling anything about ADHD for that matter because of the differences between Thing 1 and Thing 2. They are similar in some of their ADHD stuff and complete opposites in other ways, so that says to me that there isn't a way to say all ADHD kids respond to xyz. There isn't a one size fits all ADHD. Consequently, the available information is incredibly conflicting. One report says a change in diet works, one report says a change in diet doesn't work. One report says one type of medication is the best and one report says that holistic treatment is the best way to go. There's no one thing that works for absolutely everyone. There does seem to be an excessive amount of judging by other mommies of the best course of treatment, which just makes me all kinds of cranky. 

Here's my opinion if you're headed down this road, or you might be worried about that you're might be headed down this road. You know your kiddo the bestest. Listen to their teachers. Listen to your kiddo. Listen to you. Listen to your doctors. And pray about it. It's not the end of the world. It's just ADHD. No biggie. 

Oh, and if at all possible, have your non-ADHD kid last. If I'd had Sam-I-Am first, I would've had the other two diagnosed at birth. It's been so surprising to discover 2 year olds can do simple tasks. I'm always surprised when I tell the 2 year old "go put your shoes in the bin and your socks in the laundry" and she actually does it. :)  

Our Second Trip Down the ADHD Road ~ Thing 2's Journey

Please read Thing 1's ADHD Journey, first. :)

Thing 2's journey down the ADHD road has been different than Thing 1's by leaps and bounds.

Thing 2 behaved just as Thing 1 in certain ways and completely different in most ways. She didn't sit, she was constantly into anything and everything, she was quick on her feet and scared of nothing. When Thing 1 was going through the diagnosing process, I realized we'd probably be doing the same thing again when Thing 2 started school. In fact, when Thing 1's doctor asked "does he do impulsive things or things without thinking, you know like would you say that he's likely to jump off the roof to see what it's like to fly?" and I replied "No, but his sister would". So instead of being incredibly confused by her behavior, I felt like it was just a waiting game. I believed that ADHD couldn't really be diagnosed until the child started school, so we were just waiting and trying to survive until she started school. She started Kindergarten in August 2010. Her teacher was one of the senior Kindergarten teachers and she was awesome. She believed in strict rules and she had expectations of her students to follow them. She was the drill sergeant type teacher. I explained that I expected Thing 2 to have issues. I explained how she has some behaviors that are exactly like her brother, but that she also tends to be impulsive, so I wouldn't be surprised at all if she has behavior issues in class. Her teacher was appreciative of the heads up and said she'd keep an eye on her. It was mid-September before I was scratching my head trying to figure out why my textbook symptom impulsivity ADHD kid wasn't having ANY trouble at school. At the first round of parent teacher conferences, I told her I was just so confused because Thing 2 wasn't having any trouble. She laughed. She said Thing 2 sometimes has trouble with talking, but it was completely age appropriate. She explained that she keeps all of her students on a pretty short leash too, so Thing 2 didn't really have too many opportunities to get into trouble. By this time, Thing 1 was meeting with his counselor, so I discussed the issue with her. She said it sounded like Thing 2 had ADHD, but probably a different kind than Thing 1, so maybe not as severe and whenever we wanted to get her evaluated we could. I felt really conflicted about having her evaluated without her having trouble at school. It was as if it was okay for her to be insane at home, as long as she was sane at school. But then during Christmas break, I came into the living room to see Sam-I-Am (18months old) sitting on the floor by the coffee table crying, and Thing 2 running past me. When I asked Thing 1 what was going on, he explained that Thing 2 had been standing on the coffee table, spinning Sam-I-Am around, until she just let go of her and Sam-I-Am bounced off the couch onto the floor. This was the first time that Thing 2 had taken Sam-I-Am into her insanity and I was no longer concerned about having her evaluated too soon.

Her evaluation went smoothly. Vanderbilt surveys filled out by me, a family friend, and her teacher. A meeting with psychiatrist, psychologist, and then a diagnosis of ADHD, Combined Type. We decided to use Concerta for her as it worked so well with Thing 1 and we again started low and slow. Her reaction was different though. Whereas Thing 1 could sit and focus, Thing 2 stopped being excessively dramatic. Turns out all of those quirks we'd been blaming on just being a girl were actually symptoms of her ADHD. The psychiatrist laughed when I said "well, she's really agreeable and that's new and awesome." when she called to check on her. She told me that part of Thing 2's ADHD is also associated with Oppositional Defiance Disorder (yah, we had a good time with that acronym) and so when the Concerta treats the ADHD, it helps with the ODD. So no more "but I DON'T WANT TO PUT MY SHOES ON!!!!" hysterical sobs/body flings as we're trying to get out the door. Thing 2's dose has remained smaller than Thing 1's dose, but she too has a bedtime dose of Clonidine.

It's been interesting to see the difference in reaction to medication between the two of them. Where Thing 1's meds helped him focus, so his teachers noticed more of a difference than we did, Thing 2's meds help chill her out more, which is more obvious at home then at school. But we have the same discussions with her teachers as we do with Thing 1's teachers at the beginning of each year and any conferences we have. Thing 2's teacher this year is kind of hit & miss, so that's been a bit of a challenge in regards to making sure we have the right dose of medication for her.

And again Thing 2 doesn't think there's anything "wrong" with her. She's never been embarrassed by her ADHD. She's also matter of fact about it. It's just a part of her life, not her whole life.

Our Road To and Through ADHD~Thing 1's Story

Our road to and through ADHD has been an interesting one that I just realized I've never really written about before. I've noticed it's something that a few people I know are going through and I thought I'd share our journey.

Thing 1 was a busy kid...busy baby, busy toddler, busy busy  busy. He never really sat still for long. Never. It didn't occur to me that it was odd that he didn't sit still until he was 3. The Husband was going to college, I was working and Thing 1 was going to daycare every day. Every time I'd drop him off to a room full of sitting 3 year olds, I'd think that daycare had some kind of superpower that could get my kiddo to sit still and I was silently irritated with them. His teachers talked about how helpful he was and how he did really well on days when they were super busy. I chalked it up to him having The Husband's DNA, as The Husband doesn't sit. Ever. Then Thing 1 started Pre-K. His Pre-K teacher was an older woman who wore 80's leggings *before* they came back into fashion. I questioned her sanity pretty much daily, but she sang Thing 1's praises and said all of the things his previous daycare teachers had said: "he's so busy, but he does fine". She also added things like "oh, he's just a boy...boys don't sit". At home, Thing 1 never really sat, but he also had trouble with simple things like cleaning his room and bedtime. Both were very, very long processes that usually ended with my blood pressure through the roof. So then he started Kindergarten in August 2007, at a different school with an established teacher. The first week went well with all green days, but shortly after that things started going downhill. He started coming home with yellow days for talking, not sitting in his seat, interrupting his classmates, etc. My first inclination was that the teacher was a bit more strict than any teacher he'd had before and that she needed to chill. I tried to communicate the importance of paying attention and being quiet to Thing 1 and he seemed receptive, but then he'd come home with a yellow day. ARGH! So then I tried punishment for yellow days--he lost toys, playdates, anything that could bring him joy, etc. And it was the same "okay, Mommy, I'll be better" followed by another yellow day. At the first parent-teacher conference in October, his teacher sat down in front of me and said "Thing 1 does not sit." and I smiled and said "no, he's never really sat though". And she looked at me with this puzzled look and said "He has to sit. He should be able to sit for at least 20 minutes at a time at this age.". And my awesome mommyness replied with "Really?". She just looked at me like I was insane. I laughed and explained that Thing 1 is my oldest and he's *NEVER* sat still and so while his behavior is abnorm to her, it's all I've ever known. So then she explained to me what my 6 year old should be able to do...sit, listen, follow 3 step directions, etc. I was floored. Who would've guessed you could give a 6 year old more than 1 task at a time?!?!? Who knew that he should be able to sit for at least 10 minutes?!?!? So we talked about how we could work together to get Thing 1 on task and focused. We also discussed that The Husband was deployed and that might effect Thing 1's behavior and lack of concern about his yellow days. We decided to touch base again after The Husband came home. So late February 2008, after The Husband was home, Christmas Break had come and gone and things were back to being "normal", Thing 1 was still bringing home yellow days and his lack of concern about it had gone considerably downhill. At this point, I was worried. Nothing seemed to motivate him. I started doing some research and one of the things that came up repeatedly was ADHD. Sensing his teacher was getting a bit more frustrated with him, I requested the school counselor to observe Thing 1 in the classroom for a few days. I wanted to 3rd party verify that Thing 1 was the issue, not the teacher or the 24 other Kindergartners that she had. About a week later, I had a meeting with teacher, school counselor and vice principal. They were all very careful with their words, as if they were afraid to say "okay, so we think your kid has ADHD" and I let them walk around it for a while before there was a pause and I had the opportunity to say "Ummm, so based on the review, what his teachers been telling me for the last year and what I've observed at home, it looks like he's a textbook case for ADHD/ADD and I'll make an appointment with his doctor to discuss options and we can go from there?" and I'll never forget how they all just looked at me for a minute. I don't know if they were waiting on me to break down sobbing or start yelling at them or what. But after reading the review by the counselor and realizing that for the last 6 months, Thing 1's teacher had been redirecting him every 10 minutes for every day, I knew that it was ADHD and it wasn't life ending, just a bend in the road. I turned to his teacher and told her how sorry I was for not catching this earlier. And she just laughed and said how grateful she was that I wasn't angry with their evaluation. And it was at that point that I realized if Thing 1 did have ADHD, his teachers and I would always have to have open communication about everything.

Thing 1's doctor was a pretty matter of fact kind of doctor, which I love. I'm all about "okay, here's the problem, here's how we can fix it" kind of doctors. So I brought in Thing 1 and his school evaluation and waited to find out what the next step was. Doctor read through evaluation, chuckled a bit here and there and then sat down next to Thing 1 and asked a few questions about Thing 1's behaviors. "How long can he sit still?, Does he do things without thinking?, Is bedtime a chore? Can he clean his room when there's more then 3 items on the floor?" We determined he didn't have the impulsive jump off the roof type ADHD, but he did have ADHD. Okay. So how can we fix it? Doctor recommended Concerta, it's a one pill a day type medication. We decided to start low and slow and see how it went. Almost immediately, we noticed a difference. He took a pill when he got up and it would take about 30 minutes for it to kick in. After the pill kicked in, he actually sat still. I remember just watching him sit and zone on the tv and thinking "ohhh, this is what they mean when they say plopping your kids in front of the tv all day!". One of the side effects of the medicine was appetite loss, but with Thing 1 it was exact opposite. For the first time, he'd actually sit long enough to eat ALL of his food. It was amazing. His reports from school were better-he'd do really well until lunch time. At our 2 week check up, we discussed that with doctor and doctor recommended moving up to the 36mg dose. So, we did and within a week, he started having green days at school. The 36mg dose would get him from the time he got up until about 3:30pm (around the time school got out), so during the week we didn't notice too much of a difference in his behavior, but on the weekends it was awesome. The biggest unexpected perk was checkout lines...no more "don't touch that, stand here, don't touch that, don't sit on that, stand here, don't mess with that, don't stick your finger there, stand here...ARGH!!!". It was exciting to be able to explain to him why we were doing things a certain way and to have him understand it because he wasn't distracted by some sparkly thing that went by while we were chatting. And as much as we were excited and relieved to see his behavior and grades improve, I think his teacher was 110% more excited to be able to teach him. But the most heart melting part of it was to watch Thing 1 be excited about how he could focus and pay attention. His ability to complete things, get good grades and just stay focused long enough to learn tons was amazing to watch. He was so proud of himself.

5 years later, Thing 1 is still taking Concerta without any issues. We added Clonidine at bedtime a little over a year ago. The Concerta would wear off around 5pm causing Thing 1 to get all wound up and bedtime became a nightmare. We did about 2-3 weeks of him not finally sleeping until 11pm, even though we started bedtime at 7pm, and then still having to get up at 6am for school before we'd both had enough. The Husband was deployed at the time and Thing 1 would use that as a reason why he couldn't sleep. The first week, I was all compassion and understanding...the second week not so much. So one day I told him if he wanted to talk to someone other than me about whatever his issue was, he could and he took me up on the offer. He started meeting with a counselor and that's when we had his ADHD defined as predominantly inattentive ADHD. As part of his counseling, we met with a Psychiatrist for his Concerta. We talked about his bedtime battle lately and she recommended Clonidine. It's actually a blood pressure medication, but it acts as a stimulant giving him just the boost he needs to relax his brain and go to sleep. So he takes it now about an hour before bed and no more battles and he's asleep by 8pm.

Thing 1 has never been ashamed of his ADHD. He's very matter of fact about it. We've always been matter of fact about it. So Thing 1 has ADHD, no biggie, we know it, we deal with it. It's not life ending, it's not the end of his world, it's just a bend in the road. He knows he takes a pill in the morning and a pill at bedtime. It's not strange to him, it's just how we do things. Every time he changes school, it's the first thing I discuss with his new teacher. I explain to them that we don't use ADHD as an excuse...he may not be bing bongy in class just because he had ADHD, but if he is being bing-bongy, I need to know so we can address the problem. All of his teachers have been very receptive and we've never had a problem with them. They've often introduced Thing 1 to things to help him with it that I would've never thought of--one teacher gave him word puzzles to work on when he was done with his work (to keep him from distracting others) and he loves them.

The one thing that has surprised me about this whole process has been the wide variety of reactions to the diagnosis, treatment, and behavioral expectations. The Grandparents are on polar opposite sides of the issues. My parents have always spent more time with the kids and they were just as frustrated as I was with Thing 1's behavior and just as relieved when we had a solution to the problem. They rejoiced in his accomplishments and continue to be supportive. The Husbands parents made (and continue to make) comments like "she just medicates them so she doesn't have to deal with them", regularly sigh and make disapproving noises when his medication is discussed, and remind us how their boys never had medication, instead they just "constantly reminded them of the things they needed to do" and "went to class with them when needed" to include some high school courses with their oldest. We've had to constantly justify why we chose to do medication to them. We chose to do medication because I believe he should be given every opportunity to succeed as soon as possible. He was struggling at everything and quickly giving up at everything. I was incredibly frustrated with his behavior and didn't know where to go. We have so many other variables in our lives that "normal" people don't have courtesy of the Army that given the opportunity to remove a hurdle, I will.

And that's what I feel ADHD is--it's a hurdle. It doesn't define Thing 1. It's just a part of who he is. It's just a part of who we are. It's just the way God made him...no biggie.

The Reality of Being a SAHM..

Once Upon A Time, there was a girl, who wasn't quite sure what she wanted to be when she grew up in the working world, but she knew she wanted a Prince Charming and a few Kiddos. She thought that she'd graduate high school, go to college, meet her Prince, get married upon graduation, work for a few years, have babies, work part time until babies became school age, then back to full time, retiring in time for grandbabies. All would be lovely in the land.

Then reality happened. College wasn't in the cards right after high school, went for a while, but couldn't figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up, then The Husband entered the picture and the next thing I knew we were in the Army and off to see the world. Thing 1 was born in Germany and job opportunities for a young mom with a baby were slim, so I took it as a sign and decided maybe what I wanted to be all along was a Stay At Home Mommy (SAHM). I wish at this point someone had sat me down and said "look, you could sling mud at a cattle feedlot for 7 days straight and it would cleaner, easier, and less exhausting then being a SAHM". I did end up work full time while Thing 1 and Thing 2 were little while The Husband went back to school for Army. It wasn't all bad, but it was all exhausting. And, in hindsight, I'm not completely sure how I did it. I know I don't think I did it as well as I could've or should've, but we all survived. So when The Husband went back to Active Duty and we could afford for me to stay at home, I jumped on the opportunity.  

During our first ride on the Deployment-Go-Round, it was nice to not have to worry about my work schedule matching up with The Husband's random phone call times. I was available to him or the kiddos whenever they needed and it was nice to have the flexibility. However, I was volunteering a lot and so I was still constantly busy. And at some point, I thought "SAHM my butt, I put more miles on my vehicle now then I ever did working!". :) But I really did love the life. During our next duty station, I decided to take some time off from volunteering, to experience *just* the SAHM lifestyle. And not wanting to miss any aspect of it, I got preggo with Sam-I-Am. With Thing 1, I had horrid morning sickness, with Thing 2 I was working 12 hour days and honestly don't really remember much, but with Sam-I-Am, I slept. CONSTANTLY. So again with the constant exhaustion. At this point, I began to question those who said "oh being a SAHM, is super easy.", but I blamed pregnancy and moved on. Then we moved again, bought a house, dived ALL in on Army Life again and had a baby. Yay. Back to exhaustion...or maybe still. But during our Final Ride on the Deployment-Go-Round, I stopped volunteering, I told that particular unit of Army to suck it  drew back away from all things Army, and I got to be just a SAHM. Cue instant relief and no more exhaustion.

I'm still waiting to not be exhausted. 2 years later.

Those who say that SAHM's just sit around, eat bon-bons, run errands, and watch Lifetime should be beat within a half inch of their lives, then given at least 3 children that have the flu and one spouse who works more then 40 hours a week and told that if the children aren't happy, we'll start this whole process over again next week. So far today, I've had 3 different maintenance guys here for 5 different issues, I've been on the phone with two different techs at Verizon, and 3 different techs at Apple, I've showered, make-up'd, dressed myself,  dressed 1 toddler at least 3 times, fed 3 kids, sent 2 kids to school, taken 1 kid to the toilet every 30 minutes, found music files scattered over 4 different external hard drives, rationalized with a screaming toddler, yelled at one barking dog, poured a cup of coffee (though I'm not too sure of it's current location), helped a friend wade through Tri-Care's fussy department, made travel plans with the grandparents and fielded a "omg, this is so boring!" conversation with The Husband from the field. Oh, and I think I ate some oatmeal. I think. The bowl is empty, so by default? In 2 hours, the children will return from school and the insanity level will go even higher then it is right now and somewhere around the bewitching hour (4pm-ish), I will begin my internal countdown to bedtime. There will be food served, baths taken, books read, kids tucked in, threats of bodily harm if they don't go to sleep after their 4th trip downstairs, laundry started, dishes washed, laundry changed over and then somewhere around 9:30pm Bon-Bon time will arrive, assuming I went to the commissary to purchase them earlier in the day, which isn't looking too promising today.

And assuming that I'm awake enough to chew.

Time for a Change

Once Upon a Time, in a land far, far away, there was a mean, lying, deceitful, distrustful, greedy leader in the Land of Army. His minions, fearing his wrath, bowed before his every command no matter what the consequences were for their Soldiers. Except a few. Most of those few knew their time in Army Land was ending soon and therefore no longer feared the leader. But some of those few had morals, ethics and Army Values that were high and denied the leader, trusting that Army would also recognize the toxicity of said leader and his minions. Army did not though. In fact, Army decided to send this group of toxic leaders forward to infect  bigger and better units. So those few with high values, morals and ethics joined the group leaving Army Land to venture out into the great Civilian Forest in hopes of finding those who encourage morals, ethics, and creative thinking.

Welcome to the next chapter of my life. :) We're excited about our upcoming change into civilian land and very hopeful at all of the prospects. Not that we won't miss Army, but it's time for a change.

Please note that I've changed the address of the blog to www.millersfables.blogspot.com

I hope you enjoy upcoming tales of our journey! :)
~The Miller Herd

Christmas Break=Life Revelation

Army Guy is still leaning heavily towards saying goodbye to active duty Army. Prior to Christmas Break, I was really on the fence about this whole decision. Some days, I was all "do we have to wait until August?!?!" and other days I was "I can't imagine my life without Army!". We're now post Christmas Break and my opinion has changed to "okay fine, you can get out, but you HAVE to take a job that involves some travel."

Army Guy has never really had a chance to take leave (a day off in Army Land) other then in conjunction with a move, which I therefore don't count because a move is not like a vacation. :) And even with that leave, he's only maybe been off for a week or two. When he came home from Afghanistan, he took leave. Lots of leave. 60 days to be exact, because he was going to lose it.  Then we moved and he was on leave again. Basically it amounted to him to being "off" from March to mid-July (60 days leave, move leave, new unit being on block leave when we arrived, etc). So I went from having no husband to having husband at home all of the time. It took a bit of adjusting, but we got through it. Within 2 weeks of Army Guy going back to work, the older 2 were at school and it was just Sam-I-Am and Mommy at home. The funny thing was that step took adjusting to also. I'd gotten very comfy with having Army Guy home and available. So his sudden departure back to Army Life, was frustrating. But by late August, we were all back in our groove--older two to school, youngest one NOT doing daycare, me resigning myself to not doing anything, Army Guy at work with the weirdest, yet known, schedule. All was good and manageable.