Hubs enlisted in the Army when we were babies and from the beginning as a spouse, I was taught that Officer's wives *just knew*: if you had a question they had an answer. They were well versed in everything Army, they knew how everything worked, by seemingly instinct. 4 years later I found myself as an Officers wife, not having a clue what to do and with kids in tow. *gasp* I wasn't a Military Academy wife, I wasn't an Officer's daughter, I attended one coffee when hubs was at LT school when I flew out to visit wherein we discussed the responsibility but no one actually said 'here's the handbook, welcome!'. Yet, all of a sudden, it felt like all eyes were on me and my family and I had no instincts. I bought every book I could find on how to be an Army wife and an Officer wife. Half of them were written in the late 50's and everything was black and white. The other half of them were written in the last 10 years and everything was grey. I tried to wing it the best way I could but always felt like I wasn't quite doing what was expected of me. I joined clubs, I attended services, I volunteered, I army wife'd the crap out of life. But I never felt like I was doing it quite right.
I was so envious of those who just got it, those who were instantly knowing of all Army lifeness, those who chose to be involved and understood their role and those who politely declined to be involved and weren't chastised because of it. I spent years trying to portray that I felt comfortable in Army skin. I desperately wanted to be that wife who just has her stuff together and her kids are well behaved and Pottery Barn threw up in her home and whatever the unit/unit family/her husband needs, she makes happen while in heels and pearls.
But the reality is I can't walk in heels. At all. I look like a pig on skates.
So I spent many years hoping to fake it until I made it. Usually I entered a group at the beginning of our time at a duty station with this hope that no one would actually know I didn't know what the heck I was doing, that no one could sense that I didn't get the 'how to do this' class and that I could make it out of that unit before anyone called me on it. Then after a few of these types of outings, I'd start to relax and wouldn't be as worried about people finding out I totally didn't get it, and then just about the time that I had mellowed out enough to be myself, it'd be time to move again. And it seemed to be we pendulumed from unit to unit: one was relaxed and easy going about your 'role' as a spouse and the next one had very set ideas about your role; there was never a comfortable middle ground.
In addition to not knowing what I was doing and assuming that everyone else assumed I knew what was doing, while in heels and pearls, I had the fun of having kiddos who didn't conform to typical Officer kiddos mandates. Mine were 'busy'. Mine were 'always moving'. Mine didn't appreciate that sometimes a bbq involved not starting cooking until 7pm and serving on wedding china. Mine never quite understood that when a man at the podium was talking, they needed to not be talking, even if they had been sitting quietly for 2 hours of "hurry up and wait" army time waiting for the man at the podium to start talking. Mine never looked like they'd fallen out of a Polo catalogue, like so many others.
I spent YEARS being on edge: what happens if someone figures out I'm not at all qualified to be mentoring anyone? What happens if someone finds out I'm so lost? What happens if someone sees my kid being completely age appropriately crazy, but not Officers kid appropriate at the park? What happens if I actually have to wear heels in public? How does the fall out of all above affect me, kids, and most importantly husband's career?
Do you know what happens when you spend years being on edge?
It takes years to unwind. YEARS. And that's only after you've discovered that you were completely wound up in the first place.
I've been living in civilian land for 3.5 years now.
Do you know what happens to your spouse's career if it's discovered that you aren't really qualified to be mentoring or what happens to your spouse's career if you decide not to be involved with his career or what happens to his career if your kids decide to have age appropriate based behaviors?
Nothing.
If I want to sit at the park in my yoga pants and eat cheesy puffballs while my kids ride scooters around said park for 3 days (because I swear they actually could do that) or if I decide that grocery shopping in flannel pants is my new favorite thing or if I decide I don't want to attend a work function of his, my husband will never have to explain why I was seen doing/not doing said behaviors to his boss. It will have no impact on his career. It might have a significant impact on my life, but it won't impact his career path in any way.
I believe there is something to be said for spouses who live with that kind of stress for the 20+ years their spouse decides to stay with army. They are the strong ones in that relationship. Living your life with judgmental humans is the standard, living your life with judgmental humans who have the ability to drastically change your entire life based on their judgement of you is a fraction of military life that is rarely discussed.
And while it's exhausting to live life not knowing if you're living up to what Army expects of you, I would like to believe that more and more people don't feel the way I do, that most people didn't feel like they didn't belong, that most felt comfortable, that most felt like they weren't failing, but I don't know.
But I hope for those who aren't quite sure they're doing to 'right', they will be as lucky as I was and find one or two senior spouses that they can reference back to. That there is someone there to say to them 'okay I know this isn't written but here's how to handle this situation' or to say 'yah I know the dress code says x but y is worn'.
And I hope that when others depart Army land, it doesn't take them 3 years to figure out how freaked out they'd been for the previous 12 years.
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