With Love...

A friend and I were chatting about a child who had visited her home and had a grand old time with a crayon and her TV. Friend called me for advice about how to remove crayon because she knows I have a child that just recently understands that crayon is meant for paper, not EVERYTHING else. The conversation made me sit and ponder all of the Life Lessons she has given me...



Today, she taught me that she is possibly the smartest, yet not real bright people on the planet. She asked for an apple less then 15mins after breakfast. I explained she'd just had breakfast, no apple. She then explained that breakfast "tasted yucky", so she threw it away after I got in the shower.

• Lesson #1--Observe it eating until food is gone. People will understand if you stink. It's your child's health...and your grocery bill. 

I attempt to outsmart her. I tell her "Okay, next time come find me before you throw food away" (I discovered later the reason the food was "yucky" was due to a massive influx of ranch dressing all over said sausage biscuits). "Before you can have an apple, you need to make your bed, put clean clothes on the bed, and get the trash out of your room." To which she slumped and stomped off to her room. In my brain, I'd already made a compromise--I'd started the morning with grand illusions that I would be able to see her floor by the end of the day with minimal involvement. But after being awake for 5 minutes, I realized that was a crackhead dream and so if she could just get those few things done (because seriously I had NO idea what was clean or dirty) I'd clean her room on Tuesday. However, I failed to vocalize that, because she doesn't speak logic. As I wondered down the stairs, I peeked my head in her room, reminded her in a nice soothing tone (instead of the POUTING DOESN'T GET YOU AN APPLE tone I desperately wanted to use) that she just had to do those 3 things and then she could have an apple. I'm an awesome mom.

20 minutes later, she bounces down the stairs proclaiming that she's "done all my stuff, can I have an apple now?". I decide, due to past behaviors, an inspection is required before the apple will be released. I get half way up the stairs and call down to the refrigerator stalking child "Are you sure you got everything done? Because if I get up here and you lied about doing those 3 items you are in trouble". She happily responds that she's fine. I'm an even more awesome mom.

As I top the stairs, I realize I suck as a parent. My communication skills suck. My ability to rationalize suck. My ability to teach that particular child the importance of honesty sucks. My ability to teach that particular child anything sucks. Room still disaster area. No bed made. No clothes on bed. Trash still every where. Ok, deep breath.

• Lesson #2--Deep breathing is really very therapeutic if for no other reason then it gives you the lung capacity you need to go completely postal. 

Very calmly I ask her to come up the stairs, she SLOWLY comes up the stairs. I ask her what were the 3 things she needed to do, assuming that maybe I'd given her too many taskings for her to completely understand. She proudly rambled them off, word for word. Hmm. Okay, well so she knows what she was supposed to do. I ask her "Did you do those things?". She says "No, I need an apple." Ahhh. The classic power struggle.

• Lesson #3--Logic doesn't set in until, well I'm not really sure logic ever sets in...I think people just get tired of throwing themselves down on the floor in a full on tantrum. Either way, avoid logic--it just leads to the Classic Power Struggle. 

So after a bit more discussion it is determined that the child knows what she needed to do, how she needed to do it and the apple end result if she did it correctly. She just CHOSE not to do it (ummm...free will, you and I need to have a chat). After a heated discussion regarding lying and responsibility, she is left in her room to clean the ENTIRE room. I shut door, resign myself to the fact that she's going to be up there ALL day, SCREAMING at me and not cleaning her room. Sigh. Defeat is sneaking in...

20 minutes later I hear the creak of her door. I immediately respond with The Mean Mommy voice "Your room had better be clean before you even think about stepping out of it". A little voice responds with "It is" as it comes down the stairs. Sigh. It is not...there's no way. She's been in there for 20 minutes. I couldn't see the floor. Now I'm going to have to go up there and start this whole battle over. again. for the umpteenth thousandth time.

• Lesson #4--That whole counting chicken before they hatch thing sometimes applies to parenting skills.

As I clear the top step, ranting about how much trouble she's going to be in if her room is not "sparkling clean" (it's a defined term in our house--she started using it a few years ago and we've just kept at it...along with glubs instead of gloves...who are we to question) and how important it is that we work as a team since Daddy is gone and how her room is her responsibility and how I just need her to do as she's told, I see the cleanest room ever. Seriously. Clean. Things put where they belong too. Not just stuffed. I'm immediately speechless, almost in tears, bathed in guilt, and over the moon. And as I stand there in complete shock, the child pipes up...

"So about that apple?"

• Lesson #5--Your children will always be smarter then you. Always.