I am not a prop

Today, for the first time in a very long time if not ever, I became a prop.

My Composition 2 professor assigned an argumentative essay and while discussing possible topics after class last week, I made reference to experiences with VA Land and she inquired about my service. I explained that The Husband was the one in the service with two destination vacations and all the fun that goes along with that. 

That was Wednesday.

In class today, we discussed a Definition Essay and that it's essentially discussing a word with a simple Webster's dictionary definition, but a very complex world definition, such as love, family, etc. 

Simple enough. The professor explained that we would be brainstorming a word at the end of the class and then doing a paper on it the next class period. 

Then she called me specifically to come up and write down phrases on the board as the class brainstormed them. 

It struck me as odd.

Until she gave the word: Freedom.

I took a breath, recognized my position as a prop and waited for the inevitable...

And the inevitable arrived about halfway through the brainstorming. 

"So how many of you would be willing to go to war for your freedom? Anyone? No? Well, Greta's husband did...where again did he serve and how has that affected you all?"

Here is where I will tell you that obviously, I don't have any problem discussing going to war, the ramifications, and whatnot. I will tell you that I gladly discuss these things because I desperately want to normalize them in conversations. I will tell you that I enjoy educating people about our military experiences because you can't create the desperately needed thorough conversations about military life without education. 

But.

I am not a prop.

"Well, so first your question about who'd be willing to fight for freedom is a moot point in this classroom because all of the individuals in this classroom are of the age to join the military barring any health issues, but here they sit while the people who are willing to fight are fighting. And I mean no disrespect, the great thing about freedom is that you have that choice. My husband joined before 9/11. We expected to live all over the world and experience a different kind of lifestyle. We did not expect war, not to say he wouldn't have joined after 9/11, but we have a different perspective on that. But yes, he served all over the world, but he deployed to Iraq for 14 months and Afghanistan for 9 months. He spent several months in Iraq kicking in doors, blowing stuff up and getting blown up, feeding his adrenaline loving body. Consequently, he aged his body faster than his actual age so while he's 40, his body thinks it's roughly 65-ish. He can't remember our kids birthdays. He has magnificent coping mechanisms in place for any and all challenges he faces. He has figured out how to be a high functioning human being who is very successful at whatever he attempts. He enjoys a challenge. He, like Louie (side note we're reading Unbroken), feels the need to keep his brain sharp. We facilitate him as a family so that we can function as a family. We have real long term concerns that shape our perception of the world. We experienced long term trauma that shaped our perception of the world. Our kids spent the first 10 years of their lives moving every 2 years. They are amazing humans who do not know what the sound of popping bubble wrap is because it sounds like small arms fire. The Husband spent roughly 2 years fighting two different wars, but those 2 years have impacts that are way more far-reaching than anyone can possibly guess at this point."

"Thank you so much for sharing that perspective and information with the class."

"and please tell your husband, thank you for his service". 

I have never really understood the issue people have had with that phrase until today.

Even Vines Have Roots

I appreciate the sentiment that military kids are like dandelions, vines, or whatever the "hardy plant that blooms wherever it is planted" reference that people are using as of today. And for many military kids, that sentiment is very true.

But it wasn't for mine.

And I had no idea until we parted ways with Army.

Turns out, my kids are trees.

Fundamentally, trees are meant to grow and flourish in *one* spot. When you plant a tree, you account for the potential size of the tree and you plant it where it has the proper space to grow. You make sure the soil/drainage is appropriate for the tree. And you watch it over the years develop into a hardy, strong force of nature that will eventually provide shade to the weary, shelter to those in need and a visual indicator of the ever changing seasons of life.

Prior to parting ways with Army, we'd find ourselves planting our "trees" wherever Army sent us, and our "trees" would have to acclimate to their new "soil". And it felt like as soon as they started to bloom and grow, Army would say it was time to dig them up, and transplant them to new "soil". And start the whole process all over again.    

My kids needed a well established root system to bloom and thrive.

Their growth rate with roots has been incredible. They've developed into these completely different trees as they've had the opportunity to grow and thrive in one location. They've come into their own personalities and interests as they've enjoyed our new found stability. They've learned to manage long-term relationships face to face every day. They've discovered that friendships ebb and flow when there isn't an impending move on either side. They're learning who they are without the hinderance of  their parent's employer dictating their life.

And yes, their time without a root system taught them to be resilient, gave them experiences that very few kids have also had, and they lived with all different kinds of cultures.

A recent blog post referred to military kids as being vines who are far reaching, not in need of roots.

But even vines have roots.

6 years ago today, The Husband was officially done with Army.

It has taken 6 years for all of us to finally relax.

It has taken 6 years for all of us to figure out how to live with each other.

It has taken 6 years for all of us to recognize the impact that Army had on us.

It has taken 6 years for all of us to process the impact that Army had on all of us.

It has taken 6 years for all of us to figure out who we really are without Army.

It has taken 6 years for all of us to discover that we are who we can be.

6 years.

I'm so glad we had our time with Army.

But with every year that passes, I'm more relieved we parted ways with Army.

Heels, Pearls, Yoga Pants, & Cheesy Puffballs

Hubs enlisted in the Army when we were babies and from the beginning as a spouse, I was taught that Officer's wives *just knew*: if you had a question they had an answer. They were well versed in everything Army, they knew how everything worked, by seemingly instinct. 4 years later I found myself as an Officers wife, not having a clue what to do and with kids in tow. *gasp* I wasn't a Military Academy wife, I wasn't an Officer's daughter, I attended one coffee when hubs was at LT school when I flew out to visit wherein we discussed the responsibility but no one actually said 'here's the handbook, welcome!'. Yet, all of a sudden, it felt like all eyes were on me and my family and I had no instincts. I bought every book I could find on how to be an Army wife and an Officer wife. Half of them were written in the late 50's and everything was black and white. The other half of them were written in the last 10 years and everything was grey. I tried to wing it the best way I could but always felt like I wasn't quite doing what was expected of me. I joined clubs, I attended services, I volunteered, I army wife'd the crap out of life. But I never felt like I was doing it quite right. 

Control, Panic & an AMAZING Retreat

We spent the last week at a family retreat, reconnecting with ourselves and our family unit and attempting to connect with other similar humans. I originally thought it would be a beneficial, therapeutic event for The Husband more than anyone, but I'm left wondering if I needed it more than he did? Don't get me wrong, WE took away many helpful tools that WE are using to help better US and OUR family. But holy crap, this was an eye opening experience about me for me.

Remember???

This weekend, we spent a few hours at a family event for The Husband's parents. It was a nice, casual event attended by people we hadn't seen in at least 15 years. There was lots of "Oh, you remember so & so, don't you?"

Nope, people, he doesn't.

It was really the first time since TBI became part of our vocabulary that we were in an environment where people repeatedly said "don't you remember me, So&So, etc?" to The Husband.

It was an interesting experience.

Especially because The Husband's favorite response was "Nope, sure don't." And then awkward silence.