I spent many years in an environment wherein I was expected to be an example. This wasn't really my strong point. The Husband thrives in that kind of environment: he's a front row kind of person, I'm a back row near an exit kind of person. For years, I tried to do everything that I was "supposed" to do. I tried to
At the same time, this world allowed no control over major life decisions. Moving? Vacations? Family Needs? Kids Needs? Secondary Education? Anything? No control, I could provide random input but at the end of the day, I wasn't in control of the ability to make those final decisions.
And so I controlled as much as I could. Kids, dogs, driving/roadtrips, house stuff, daily stuff: I got this!
Then we walked away from that world. And I could control anything and everything.
And everything became something I needed to control. I was no longer on the short side of control, minus the weather. ;) But say we were invited to an event that went past kiddo's "appropriate behavior" window? Nope, not going because well we don't *have* to. Catering to any and all little quirks of any one of us: sure! "No we can't sit at this table, no we can't do this, no we can't do that...". We no longer lived in a world of you take what you get. We now lived in a world of choice. And choice gives me the illusion of control.
Until you go to a retreat.
We were INCREDIBLY fortunate to be selected for this retreat near the Rocky Mountain National Forest in Colorado. I planned the whole trip there/back: we'd leave a day early, drive up half way, stay the night and then drive up the next day, in the daylight, carefully avoiding all crazy afternoon Denver traffic so that I wouldn't be exhausted or tense while driving up and through mountains, and arriving early to scope out location, then we'd spend a glorious week there doing all kinds of fun, exciting, connecting things and then we'd drive down and spend a couple of days in Colorado Springs before coming home. I had everything under control.
Until I didn't.
On our second day of travel, my car threw a check engine light so we stopped in Colorado Springs to check it out. It needed a new exhaust/emission sensor, spent 4 hours at the dealership getting diagnosed and repaired. Then I spent 4 hours driving what should've taken a little over 2 hours with a car that now had an incredibly rough idle in stop and go traffic in the rain in rush hour around Denver. Then when we finally got out of that stupidity and headed up the mountains, it started raining again. Not a heavy rain, but more like a reflecting rain: the sun peaking through clouds while raining. The kind that makes the road hard to see? Yah, that kind of rain. Up 40-55mph construction zone mountain roads. By the time we arrived at our retreat, we weren't early, we were late. It was dark, we fed the kids, sat through an entertaining orientation and then found our cabin and unloaded our bags in the dark while it continued to rain.
Our retreat was meticulously planned out. Every day had at least one event and one class for us to attend while the kids were supervised. On paper, it looked amazing. In practice, I was a hot mess. My kids got on a bus to a cabin that I was uncertain of it's location to do things that I didn't know what (arts & crafts or the gym depending on their age--and they had a FABULOUS TIME!!!) with people that I barely met. *Insert no control over what kiddos might encounter panic here* We went fishing at a cute little lake, that took 35 minutes to get to up winding dirt one lane roads that I had no business driving on and by the time we got to the lake I was shaking so bad I had to hold my hands together in my hoodie to hide them from the world. *Insert no control over location/road conditions/driving skills panic here*. One event required us to take a bus to another town to get outfitted with white water rafting gear to be driven in same bus down to Colorado River (again winding dirt roads, this time wide enough for two vehicles...kind of) while given some pointers on what to do if you fall out of the boat while going over rapids. By the time we made it to the river, I had bit a hole in my cheek from trying not to lose my shit. *Insert total fear of children going over boat and never seeing them again and no control over bus mechanical maintenance and no control over river flowing fast panic here*. We went horseback riding with a guide for an hour with everyone on their own horse in a line, crossing a river twice. *Insert no control over horses that could throw/run off with 6 year old who's feet were barely in the stirrups panic here* There were fun, late evening events planned for every night: smores, karaoke, impromptu dance parties, etc. *Insert no control over children/husband's behavior panic here*
But with each event I learned to let go a bit: The Husband drove back down from the fishing lake and I got to see how beautiful the mountains are, his driving was so much better than mine and I didn't get car sick. The kids thrived with the counselors, they loved getting to go do their own thing and the counselors were all very complimentary on how well behaved kiddos were. We survived the trip to white water rafting and the actual rafting piece too, the kids loved every minute of it, The Husband, Thing 1 and Sam-I-Am jumped into the river off a 5 ft cliff into 50 degree water and regretted every minute of it. :) Our guide was hysterical and so calming with his humor. The bus ride to/from was a calm trip and we actually engaged with others and laughed. Horseback riding was phenomenal. Sam I Am owned her horse. My horse kept taking snack breaks and everyone else thought it was hysterical. The kiddos and our guide chatted the whole way out and back. The evening events were hard for us though: not because of the retreat but because of me.
I'd spend all day trying to be calm in the face of my fear of losing control, so by the time evening events rolled around, I was exhausted. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't pretend to be okay not being in control for another minute. And The Husband's back was pretty much trashed by the end of the day too (turns out horseback riding, white water rafting, riding in car for 12 hours up there is not so great on degenerative disc issues...), but it was more that I was just done.
I wish I had been able to learn to let go a bit earlier in the retreat so that the kiddos/husband would have have the opportunity to get to know others there better and perhaps built a bit a bigger net of people who just get them. The other families attending, the counselors and the volunteers are all amazing people who we were so fortunate to spend time with. It was such a blessing/relief/comfort to be back with people who just get it.
By our last day, I had finally figured out how to relax and release this desperate need I had to control everything. The Husband drove down the mountain and he handled with rough idle so much better than I did. We didn't have any traffic issues. I just sat and enjoyed the drive: I wasn't tense about everything I couldn't control. We enjoyed our time in Colorado Springs, including a last minute trip deviation that didn't send me into a spiral. We shared driving responsibilities on our way home, so I wasn't exhausted by the time we got home.
The retreat gave us a bunch of tools to help us navigate this slightly different world that we have compared to rest of the world. And I'm forever grateful for that. But they also gave me courage: courage to let go more often. I don't have to control everything. The more control I feel like I need the more I'm just surviving life instead of living it. I'm so over just surviving life.
I'm living life. :)
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