Porter + PCSing = Something bad...ALWAYS

Let me start by saying I love this dog...he's so entertaining and loving and tolerant of his not as furry siblings...

BUT...

He doesn't PCS (aka move) well. Or I should say, Porter makes PCS's way more entertaining then they ever need to be.

We got Porter on our move from Fort Bliss, TX (North Mexico) to Fort Benning, GA the summer of 2008. He's what Army Guy calls "the price of happiness", as he healed my broken heart from the sudden loss of my dog, Spaetzle and her 9 puppies (a different story for a different day...). So we trekked from Amarillo, TX to Fort Benning with 2 kids, 1 dachshund, and a 5 week old bulldog puppy. Good times. Porter did surprisingly well--slept most of it. Until we arrived at the hotel. Then he suddenly needed to pee every hour. EVERY.HOUR. Okay, no biggie--except, Army Guy and I developed some kind of throat issue that wasn't strep throat but felt like we swallowed shards of glass, repeatedly. So here we are, over 4th of July weekend, hotel, 2 kids, 1 normally bing bongy dog and 1 whiney puppy, dying. It only took 2 trips to ER and one insanely painful shot in the butt before I felt like a human being. However at no point did Porter understand "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DOG I'M DYING!!!" Kids did, but yet again, different story for a different day. So Porter survived Fort Benning with just the usual vet appointments. Whoo!

And then we moved to Fort Campbell.

Less then 24 hours after we arrived at Fort Campbell and the day before we're supposed to be closing on our first home purchase, Porter is throwing up all over everything. And he's throwing up everything...water, food, etc. More importantly, he's not eating. This dog eats ALL the damn time. Perfect timing Porter. Luckily, Army Guy's brother recommended an awesome vet and off we went. Vet listens to Porter's belly and says "well, it sounds like there's something in there alright...mind if we keep him over night?" "Ummm, sure...we're technically homeless and even we won't be tomorrow, it rained, our backyard is mud and we don't have a fence...please keep him". 2 days later, 4 xrays, 1 passed green spongy thing, and a mere $250ish, Porter was back to his normal self.

We should've taken that as a sign.

For the last few months, Porter has been doing this sit and spin thing. Obnoxious as all hell. I started bathing him weekly. Didn't help. I changed his food and dealt with the horrific gas that ensues EVERY time you change his food. GAG A MAGGOT gas. Didn't help. So late one night, I did what every concerned parent does...I googled his symptoms.

Bad plan.

All of these articles about "pocket tail" popped up. Turns out some bulldog's tails grow back inside of their body, in a "pocket tail" type thingy. Yah, I'm ALL about technical terms. So I've never really spent a lot of time checking out my dog's butt and it never occurred to me that his tail was ingrown. Army Guy's response to my "oh hey, hold the dog so I can check out his butt" was a priceless look and a "seriously?". :) So there I was, late night, with my nose 2 inches away from my dog's butthole going "well I don't know...what do you think?" While Army Guy tried not to vomit and laugh all at the same time. The next day, I took Porter to the vet to discover I'm a HORRID pet owner. He had an awful infection--bloody, pussy, all the really gross things that if there'd been CPS for dogs, I would be in handcuffs while a foster family cared for my dog type of gross infection. But, you had to pull back the skin around his tail pocket to see it and ummm, yah, Porter and I aren't THAT close. We are now though. The vet hands me 3 weeks of antibiotics, antiseptic spray and gauze pads with directions to orally administer antibiotics and to spray gauze with antiseptic spray and then insert my gauze pad covered finger in his tail pocket and wipe that area. Good times. Good times. Poor Porter had no idea what was headed his way. Vet ends conversation with "Well, I don't want to freak you out, but you are probably looking at tail alteration surgery, but lets recheck in 3 weeks." Oh good...3 weeks from that vet appointment was 2 days before the packers arrive. Crap.

After wrapping my brain around having to wipe my dogs butt for the next 3 weeks and then him possibly having to have surgery while we visit my parents in Texas during our PCS to flippin California, I realized I never asked how much this was going to cost me. Hmmm....okay let's hope that he doesn't need surgery and that we'll do this 3 weeks of wiping his butt and then he's magically fixed. Whoo!

After the first time of wiping Porter's butt and him being very vocal with how much he HATED us being anywhere back there and with lots of me screaming "YOU KNOW DOG I DON'T WANT TO BE DOING THIS EITHER!!!", I realized it didn't matter how much the surgery cost, I was paying for it. I only wipe children's butts for 3 years...I'm so not going to be wiping my dog's butt for the rest of his life if I don't have to. That and it literally took both Army Guy AND me to get this task done...twice a day. It got to be the biggest joke of the day. "Finger in the butt, what, what, Porter it's time for finger in the butt". It was really cute until Sam-I-Am started singing it...well okay so it was really cute but socially unacceptable...eventually we'll YouTube it and make millions.

But I digress...so 2 days before packers we were back at the vet, still infected, stronger antibiotics, and a "oh yah, you are definitely looking at tail alteration surgery". Good times. A call into my parents vet (who we call ShangraLee because they charge you for ABSOLUTELY everything they can...$11 for someone to be there as your dog wakes up out of surgery...etc...) to get pricing gets no where. "Well first we need to evaluate him and then we'll go from there". For Budget Queens like myself, I go a little insane on the inside, but say "okay thanks!" and do what every logical person does...I google it.

Yet another bad plan.

All kinds of pricing...varying from $385 to on the upwards of $2900. At this point, Army Guy announces that if the surgery is more then the cost of a .22 it's going to be a tough call for him...in a somewhat jokingly way.

We got the house packed, loaded, cleaned, keys turned over to Property Management, said our goodbyes and took off for the wild west. Porter slept the whole way. A few days after our arrival at the parents, we got him into vet, who said "oh yah, still infected, lets schedule surgery. My Office Manager will get you price quote and surgery date, but she's out of the office until tomorrow, so I'll have to get back to you." ANOTHER 24 FREAKIN HOURS! And my calmness on the outside said "not a problem" while my insides went "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?". 36 hours later, we found out surgery will be under $1,000, but not the $385 I was so hoping for and the earliest they can get him in is 4 days before we leave for California. Good times. Luckily, the dogs are spending some time with my parents due to Fort Irwin's new "No Pets at Hotel" Policy which again, different story for a different day, so Porter will have plenty of recovery/get fatter and lazier time at Grandma's.

I'm somewhat terrified of the joys Porter will share with us during our next PCS...